nycdilettante

I just can't get this out of my head

Ever since 2013 started...I have been in a funk.  I took a certification class but still didn't pass my certification test and I just haven't been able to let that go.  And since then...not much has been working for me.  The other day a kid came to my door and said if I got a subscription to the Washington Times she would get a scholarship.  And so...even though I don't want a subscription...I spent 25 dollars to do so.

And then the other night...I let a salesman at a kiosk at the mall talk me into buying this very expensive eye stuff.  Then I looked them up on the internet and they are known for their hard sale techniques and all that stuff.  Total scam.  But by jiminey crickets I am using that stupid cream.  And next time someone tries to talk me into buying something...I will stamp my feet and say NO!  And hopefully I can stop obsessing over this stupid moment and go on!

Weird OCD stuff about me

My office moved into a new building and all the conference rooms are super fancy.  Today I walked all the way down the hall b/c I saw one of the screens was down in the conference room.  I went down and shut down the system so the screen would go back up into the ceiling all b/c someone told me if you don't shut it down...the bulb in the projector will burn out.

I also have to organize the shopping carts in the parking lot corrals so they all fit together.  I should go work for Wegman's as a shopping cart wrangler on the wkends.

 

Ice and other slippery things

Days like today I long to be back in NYC.  All I would need to do on a crappy day like today would be put on boots, gingerly step thru icy sidewalks to the train...take the train to 14th Street, walk to the B&N office (sidewalks around Union Square are always salted nicely) and go to work.

Instead...I get up early...gingerly walk down the icy sidewalk of my condo...scrape the ice off my car...gingerly drive to the office...walk thru a somewhat icy parking lot...and go to work.

Once instead I'm encased in a cube w/no windows and so it's like being in a cave.  I never know what's going on with the weather.  And then at 6:00 or so...yes even on a FRIDAY...I leave.

In NYC...I'd have a drink at Commonwealth in Park Slope w/friends, have dinner, walk back to the train and then go home.

I like my job (okay...I like the people I work with) and my salary...but I miss the awesome NYC public transport.

Pooh on the WDC metro system...

This is the time on Sprokets where we vacuum...

I had to work this weekend. I wasn't happy about it.

I had a good run from 3 pm Saturday night to 6 pm on Sunday where I was RELAXED.  I bitched about my job to a friend...but I got to see Wilco and Heartless Bastards play in Charlottesville on Saturday night...watched KIMI win the Grand Championship for Formula One from 11:30 to 2:00 PM...and took a walk in Harpers Ferry up to Jefferson Rock.  It was a good run.

Driving back in my friends BMW 330ci...listening to try to hear if he has a bearing going on the front wheel...while he told me about the 14mm hex do da thingey he wants but you don't find in most tool sets...it's like an allen wrench...but with a 14 mm whatchamacallit (Daddy...I bet you know what this thing is...he wants a 14mm and a 17mm...which apparently is pretty huge...you use it to undo the socket so you can change the differential fluid???)...the sun was setting...I had an soft serve vanilla/chocolate cone...I was so damn relaxed.  I was enjoying it...

And then my boss left me a voice mail on my cell at 4:48 PM that I got at 6:15 PM telling me that this proposal that is NOT my proposal...but that I have to bring to a close...that they are going to be directing all the subs to re-do their price proposal in a 24 hour period and that I need to be in EARLY TOMORROW TO CALL ALL OF THEM and tell them this.

My friend told me he'd let me drink as much as I wanted so I could go to work with a hangover and tell him to piss off.  But I'm responsible...damn it all...so I left to come home to get ready for tomorrow.

Now...when I am stressed...it is true that I turn to chocolate.  Or mashed potatoes.  But when I am really upset.  When I am just at my wits end.  I turn to the Dyson and start to vacuum.

Tonight...I am even going to do the stairs.

The level of stress I'm at now...I might even turn to exercise.

Daggone it.

They cut down my favorite tree

You know it’s bad when I miss Pilates

I haven’t gone to the gym in a week.  So not me.  Well…it’s OLD me…not NEW, IMPROVED me.  Or semi-improved me.  But whatever.

Work is stressful.  My dad always says…be careful what you wish for.  I’m not sure I WISHED for my boss DSJ to quit…but she did and now I have a new boss.  Can I say that when the director that appoints your new boss says …“well you’ll have to train him”…you should know that you are in for stress.  He hasn’t done this before…and what he has done is with a customer that is vastly different from my customer…and we have no processes in place to do things and so…it’s a crap shoot and presently, yours truly is covered in poo.

My division is responding to a competition for new work and this effort is completely crazy.  I’m doing stuff that I’ve never done before so I’m not sure what is the RIGHT way to do things.  Not feeling confident of my knowledge base makes me crazy.  I don’t want to say anything that’s WRONG.  That would be stressful enough but when you throw in a crazed pricing analyst who everyone is terrified to stand up to, it increases my stress level.  Added note for all…he looks like “most likely to pull out an AK47 and kill everyone in the office”.  Seriously.  If he comes into work with a trench coat on…I’m leaving.  I go to bed at 9 or 9:30 and dream about spreadsheets and proposals.  Not a restful sleep people.

I have stacks of crap in my house that I would like to sell but I’m not sure about.  Should I try and sell books via craigslist?  CD’s?  My ipod mini?  Maybe I should just chuck my electronics and turn them in to

Circuit

City

for a gift card so I can buy something electronic for the new place.  I’m torn.  I’ve also been going bananas trying to update my Dell notebook.  I bought an external hard drive but it sort of zings out when I plug it in my notebook…so I had to order a special cable to use.  It better work.  It’s on back order currently so…I have to wait until it comes back into stock to check it out.  My Dad just bought a mac…so part of me is tempted to chuck the Dell and buy a mac b/c that’s what I want anyway.

Shall I remind myself that in May…I’M BUYING A HOUSE?  Perhaps that would be wise.

Not Enough

"What I hadn't understood, until recently, is that sometimes love is not enough  And that is the worst news-from-the-universe I have heard for some time.  Love is not enough to lead depressed people to happiness.  It is not enough to make men who really don't want babies to want them.  And it is not enough to make women who really want babies stop wanting them  It is not enough to make people who need passion settle for companionship, and it is not enough to make addicts give up whatever they are addicted to.  Love stretches us, but time often snaps us back to our original shape.  Love takes us further than we thought we could go, but it does not take us past the limits of our nature.  And that is a hard thing to know."

Amy Bloom - in O magazine - February 2006

Five years ago, I got off the F train at Bergen Street.  At that exact moment, the first of two planes slammed into the World Trade Center.  It was a beautiful fall day.  Perfect.  And horrid.

We closed the store early and I walked to Park Slope to meet up with my friend Stacy.  We heard a rumor that the Capitol had been bombed.  We sat in a furniture store and I cried.  Then we walked to her apartment on 8th Avenue and watched CNN until we thought we'd throw up.  I was able to get a train back to my apartment later in the evening.  The store was closed the next day...I can't remember for how long.

I was lucky because I was able to call my Dad before the phone service went down, so my family knew I was okay.  I didn't work in downtown Manhattan, but it didn't matter.  I knew they would worry. 

Fear is a hard thing to live with.  We're afraid of another attack and as a result we are trying to protect the homeland.  As a result, people are being incarcerated for small reasons and Muslims hate Americans more and more each day. 

Fear makes us smaller.  My fears have made me hard to get along with of late.  A friend will ask me a simple question and I want to growl at them. People I used to think a lot of just irritate me.  I think they are trying to control my life when they tell me they think I have too many layers in my hair.  Or I find out they told a former crush that I had a crush on them.  Moody friends and co-workers that I'm used to dealing with week after week have me pulling my hair out.  I'm tired of trying to lose weight and eat right and work out.  I'm tired of being alone and afraid.

Five years ago when I saw a picture on npr.org of the towers on fire...the only people I thought about were my parents, my grandmother, and Stacy.  That was about it.  Later I sent missives off to my friends to say I was okay and to try and describe what it was like to be in the city.

I have never gone down to Ground Zero, as they call it.  I will not stand and stare.  It is not a tourist destination to me.  I don't understand people who come to look at this place as it doesn't make anything clearer or more understandable. 

New York is a place that keeps moving.  Ground Zero will not lie fallow.  Business will go on.  It always does.  But every year...around this time...I get...not upset but just out of sorts.  I think that day is stored inside my cellular make up.  I think as it gets closer...it takes a toll on me.  I don't watch the news reports about how we've changed, are we safer all that stuff. 

I feel like I know those answers.  We have changed.  We are safer and yet we aren't safer.  We are all just living and in the course of that living...there are people that hate us.  That's true of me on a personal level and of the USA on a global level.  I can't be liked by all people.  I can't like all people.  Everyone in the world can't love the USA.  Everyone in the world can't hate us either.

We are stretched by love and by hate I think.  And sometimes...neither is enough.  Hate isn't enough to make up for all our sins.  Neither is love.

We just have to pick ourselves up and go forward.  It's not easy.  But...it's all we've got.

Grumpity

I have no idea what's going on...I am just the most grumpy person EVER.  I've been ranting and raving at work...and I didn't even have to show up for work until Tuesday.  You'd think I'd be ahhh...happy.

Nope. 

I feel like I'm waiting for something.  I have no clue what.  So...I'm making lists of stuff I need to do.  I get paid on Tuesday...cutting the money close this month.  Next payday I'll have my yearly salary raise.  I expect to be underwhelmed.  There is talk of my boss getting me an "adjustment" so I'll finally get paid what is the market standard. 

On Tuesday, I overhead a conversation about the salary they are offering someone who is going to come new into our department.  It is SO much more than what I'm pulling in.  I seriously put my head on the desk.

And I'm craving...food like crazy.  I don't feel like going to the gym.  Argh.  I am going to keep going...don't get crazy...but I'm just eh.  Tomorrow we are doing a big team building thing and we'll be outside all day.  I'm going to wear my Rollins Band t-shirt...SEARCH AND DESTROY.

I'm going to want to search for my dignity after this...I'm pretty sure.

So here I am.  Just call me GRUMPY.

Are You Who You Want To Be?

Recently a friend of mine saw the band Switchfoot.  (As a Harry Potter geek…I keep wanting to call them Padfoot.  Or Slipknot.  Or Slipfoot.  I digress.)  They have a song This Is Your Life and the hook in the song is:

This is your life.  Are you who you want to be?

My friend said he as he was watching the band, the singer seemed to be staring into him and the words really made him stop and think about his life.  Now, his life is pretty good.  He’s in a good marriage, has a good job, he’s happy.  But if he’s thinking am I who I want to be; that makes me stop in my tracks. 

I have to think that we all struggle with who we are, no matter how we look on the outside.  Are we who we want to be?  Are we the person we dreamt of being as a child?  And are those childhood dreams important to us now?  I mean…as a kid are you closer to the truth of your self or are you just as hosed as you are at 42?

I don’t really know.  I think even as a child I felt alone and singular.  I was always trying to get people to like me.  I thought I was fat.  I’m not sure I expected to ever be with anyone.  I didn’t date or “go with” anyone in elementary and junior high school.  (I’m so old we went to elementary school until 7^th grade.  Then we went to junior high school.  High school was 10^th, 11^th and 12^th grades.)  And I never was totally happy with the guys I did date.  I liked them but when we went out…I would be somewhat disappointed.  It wasn’t what I expected.  Until I met Matt after I graduated college.  But I got caught up in a lot of fears and somewhere during our “relationship” I stopped being myself and started trying to be perfect for him.  I wouldn’t disagree with him.  I’d just say yes, whatever you want.  And it irked him.  He hurt me badly…don’t get me wrong…but to be with someone who is always agreeable.  Bor-ing.

I have friends that I let lead me around.  I need to stand up for myself.  I need to get my hair cut.  I need to do my makeup different.  I should wear more stylish clothes.  And I let them be the boss of me.  When I started my job here in the WDC metro area...I was out of my element and I relyed on people that now...I don't need to rely on.  And they don't always realize that I'm pretty on the ball now.  Plus, I have a boss to direct me and help me when I have questions.  So...they don't need to be the boss of me now.  And on a lot of things, part of me agrees with them.  Part of me wants to be stronger and braver.  I want to lose weight and look…average.  Normal.  Good.  I want to be pretty so men will want to date me.  I know the inside matters…but men are about visuals.  You have to appeal to them visually first. 

However, as I do get stronger and smarter, sometimes all this "help Susan change and be a better person" causes me to get angry and think…will you just let ME handle my business?

I don’t know if in five years some of these "I want to be the boss of you" people will still be my friends.  They could be.  I do like them a lot.  But...as happens with these men I fall into a crush with..once I get to know them I see their flaws.  I realize they are just as flawed as me and that what I thought I admired about them was fairy dust.  They are nice people.  They are friends.  But...they aren't the friends of my soul. 

My closest friends like me for me.  I mean…I don’t think they would be against me plucking my eyebrows religiously or putting on make up or losing 40 pounds…but those aren’t the things they like about me.  And I don’t like them because of anything like that.  I like them because they’re funny or smart or a person that I would like to be more like.  Strong.  Brave.  Able to tell people difficult things and still be friends with those people afterwards.  I like them because I like how I feel when we’re together.

Now that I think about it…I feel like a kid with them.  Even he-who-must-not-be-named makes me feel like a kid.  No matter what else I feel for him…deep down…I feel happy when we hang out together.  And although he is open about not wanting a relationship that is more romantic, he does like me for who I am (okay…I did have to start the discussion…so he’s open when pinned down about it).  We laugh a lot.  And I like making HIM laugh. 

I actually like to make a lot of people laugh.  And I like being accepting and accepting them exactly as they are.  No new bells and whistles.  I love them flaws and all.   And I'm serious.  I LOVE these people.  When I take a vacation, I want to see them...and not because they live in Denver or NYC or Kansas City or Frankfort.  I want to see them and feel happy.  And hopefully, make them happy.

All of this holds true for my college friends.  True for my best friend Susan from my Peebles years. True for my friends from my ERA years in DC.  It's true for my friends from my B&N years in NYC.  We like each other for WHO we are.  I don't think my friends think of me and think...yeah I liked her because she had awesome make up or perfect brows.  I certainly don't think like that about Lori Mac, Nora, Shannon or Mary.  I think...oh I love Lori because she can curse like a sailor and she fell in love with Bill because he had a Smiths album.  Or I love Nora because she feels spirits around her.  Or I love Mary because she has this rat a tat laugh and decides things quickly and never changes her mind.  Or RARELY changes her mind.  I love Shannon because she always is pushing herself to do more.  And she bites her nails when she's nervous.  And she really wanted me to come to Minnesota and help her raise Katherine because...having a baby is scary and I love babies. 

I think people like me because I'm funny and quirky and because I'm loyal and passionate and a goofball.  I'm 42 but...I still feel 10 sometimes. 

Face it…one day…no matter how much we pluck or work out or stand up for ourselves…we’re going to be older.  We WILL have wrinkles and sag.  People WILL think we’re morons because we’re 70 and things are falling apart.  It’s going to happen.  I think I’d rather have a group of friends around me who can look at me and see me at 42 looking back at them. Or see me at 21 with really scary hair, wearing a men's shirt, a blazer and a fedora. Because even at 70…I bet we’ll still be laughing about silly stuff just like we did at 18 and 25 and 35 and 42. 

As for who I want to be...I don't know.  I want to be a writer with an amzing library.  I want to have a tastefully decorated quirky house.  I want to come home and find 6 or 7 phone messages from friends saying...hey Sue do you want to do x or y or hey Sue, guess what college Carson got into?  I want to be close to my family and talk to my sister as passionately and as often as my Mom talks to her sisters.  I want to have some cool toys.  I'd love to ride a motorcyle.  I'd love to tell people how I feel and not be terrified that they'll hate me just because I said...I know what I'm talking about.  I'd really love to feel like I DO know what I'm talking about instead of thinking...oh God...am I right about this?  Seeing all the sides of an issue can be a booger sometimes because you see all the angles.

When you're a kid...you think adults know EVERYTHING.  It sucks when you grow up and realize that you know NOTHING.  Except...you DO know you are pretty stupid about EVERYTHING.

Aging...it's not for sissies. But hey...it's better than the alternative.

Things

This week mom called to ask me what things I wanted from my Grandmother's house.

Sitting at my desk in the middle of the day, I took a deep breath and thought of a few things.  We've talked about it since then and I have given them a list.  Next weekend I'll go down and look at things in the house.

It's not that easy for me to let go of my grandmother.  It's not easy to divide up her things. 

But one thing I am happy about.  I will be getting my grandmother's letters and diaries.  She saved letters she wrote to her mother.  She saved letters my grandfather wrote to his mother.  And letters that her sons wrote to her, her mother. 

I'm looking forward to going through all of that.  I'm looking forward at having the chance to get to know my grandmother in a new way. 

Sometimes I'll smell a scent and then...I'll think of her.  It's the same for my grandfather.  Anytime I smell Old Spice or Palmolive Gold soap...I'll think of him.  When I smell White Shoulders I'll think of her.

It's not much...but I'll take it.