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It Feels Just Like We're Starting Over

The majority of my life I've struggled with my weight.  Looking back I can't help but think it really was partially in my head.  If I could go back to the size I was in high school or college, I would be ecstatic.

However, I remember shopping for clothes my entire life in the chubby department and I wore patent leather sunday shoes until I was 13 or 14 because I had wide feet.  I still have wide feet but somehow I've been able to wear B width shoes.

I can remember my first diet, which I did with my aunt.  I counted calories and I can still see the little calorie counter book, with a woman in a bathing suit on the inside back page, standing on her tip toes to look slimmer.

Since then, I've continue to stress over my weight and struggle.  I was 128 at one time and I for a good amount of time I was in the 130 - 140 weight category.  But since the late 90's I ballooned up and I've been wearing size 20's again.

I have been doing Weight Watchers for several months but now I've started a diet that is very strict but that many women my age have found successful.  But it's not easy and all I can do is to stress to myself that I can do this.  

I'm also trying to do it without telling a lot of people about the "diet".  I have a friend who is also doing the same diet, which is really saving me because I can talk to her when things get rough.  But in July I will be on travel and I'm not sure how I'm going to keep true to my diet and not make a big deal about it.

This is not going to be easy.

I haven't been here for a long time, but it seems the promise...maybe the threat...of a new year brings me back. And here I am...posting on New Year's Eve.

It sleeted overnight and I am in the District getting ready to spend a day with friends.  I am so happy to have something fun to do and so glad I'm not at work again.

2010 will be a year to find balance.  I'm in therapy again and I want to get in better shape, and loosen up.  Find a new job perhaps, as the one I have makes me nuts.  

For now, I'm warm, happy and getting ready to go museum hopping!

Duh!

I have the new Typepad format that I am using right now.  I clicked on the "comments" tab and there are all these comments that I NEVER saw before!  Some of you guys who have written notes and never seen any response from me must think I am "virtually" rude.  

Alas...I just never saw my comments!

I have been in a fog for some time and I'm just starting to see the world again.  I didn't realize how cut off I was and zoned out.

Onwards and upwards...and now that I can easily see my comments...I'll be sure to respond!

Nice job if you can get it

My dreams have lately been filled with old boyfriends who never came back.  Whenever I read about couples that reconnect and marry after long times apart...I think about my high school boyfriend.

When we broke up...totally my fault, by the way, I said..."No one will ever love me like he does."

I'm not sure if I cursed myself with that statement or if it was just the truest thing I ever said.  

A few months ago a friend set me up with her ex-boyfriend in hopes we would hit it off and we did...kissing for hours.  He reminded me of my high school boyfriend, although he's nothing like him.  My friend neglected to mention several little tidbits about him.  Such as she got tired of dating him because he was...as she put it...a f*ck-up who never could get his life together.

And thank you for introducing us.  I was looking to date a f*ck up.

As for my high school boyfriend that I remember well...I used to want to change him.  I didn't like that he always wore tennis shoes.  I wanted him to dress preppy.  I wanted him to be something he wasn't and he tried.  We broke up, got back together and broke up several times.  I wish I had handled that relationship differently.  In fact, for years I believed that my other relationships that crashed and burned were a result of how awfully I behaved with him.  

Karma, as they say, can be a b*tch.  And I've felt that karma has kicked my butt as far as relationships go.  So...when does the statue of limitations end on karma?  I talk to Karma and say...okay...so I've suffered for years with bad relationships and I've had men break my heart ten times more brutally than I broke Mr. X's heart.  When do I reap some good Karma for all the good stuff I've done?  And why have all the men that stomped all over my heart ended up married, with children, happy as a clam?  How come you aren't kicking their asses Karma?  

Karma says nothing.  I have no idea what the deal is...but in the last 6 months, I met Mr. J who I really liked, but as my friend attested...is f*cked up.  And the guy who I started talking to on eharmony...he kept saying he wanted to meet me, but wouldn't set up a time or place to meet me.  And...in a bizarre twist...I saw out with another woman the other night near my house (or at least if it wasn't him...that guy looked IDENTICAL to his picture on eharmony!).

Dag Karma!  Give me a BREAK....

And now my high school boyfriend is appearing in my dreams...and I've googled him (because I am AN ASS).  I'm not sure when my love story is going to start OR if I'm too old for a love story.  I know 40 is the new 30 or whatever they say...but at 45...I'm feeling my time is running out.

I don't feel old or overweight until I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Otherwise I feel like I did at 16...except a little bit grumpier.  I also find I have very definite feelings about how things should be and I usually can't understand why everyone doesn't understand my references to things.  It's as if I am still 25 inside of myself but my outside is 45...which really cramps my dating style.  

It's very disconcerting to say the least.  I feel adrift and confused and my dreams just make it worse, because in them I am being pursued by my high school boyfriend or Mr. J...who in my dreams isn't gambling...and has the job he wants (which is editing films).  In my dreams, Mr. J discovers my thesis and decides one of my stories (I have an MFA in creative writing) is perfect for his first film and together we make an independent film that is very successful. If I dream of Mr. X...he is living on his parents farm and is divorced.  He sees me taking photos in the small mountain town where we both once lived and we reconnect.  I move back to the farm, start to write and we live happily ever after.

I need a little reality to step in.  

It's all been said before

I have been thinking about blog entries for a long time.  It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything.  I've wanted to write but each time I sit down to do it...I simply couldn't pull anything together.

What's the use of writing down how I feel?  Millions of people have had similar angtsy feelings before.  What original thought do I have to add to the chorus of voices out there?  

The thing about being a perfectionist is that you are often unable to do anything because the thought of not writing the Great American Novel straight out of the box just kills you.  You decide whatever you might have to say is crap...so why bother?  

I have always ping ponged back and forth between feelings of "I'll do what I want and who cares" and "well...what if they don't like me or think I'm stupid or think I'm a loser". 

I signed up for Master's swimming classes in my community.  I figured 3 days of swimming would help me get back into fitness.  I went to 2 classes and haven't been back.  I was out of town 2 days...and then I was exhausted...and now I just can't do it.  I am the worst swimmer in the class as it is...now I'm even further behind.  I feel like a loser but even though I shouldn't care a whit...I do.  And I've wasted my money by not going.

Every day I think...I'll get up and walk or bike or do yoga.  And I end up sleeping until 7:30 and get to work at 9:00...which is not when I want to be a work.

I am f-ing up everything I think to myself.  I can't do anything right.

You can see how things snowball in my head and how it might be difficult to launch into action.  With my blogs I read other blogs out there and think...oh...if I could write like that person...well...that would be fabulous.  People would read my blog...maybe I could get my novel together and my whole life would change!

Well...I'm no closer to solving my internal angst and whatnot...but I am beginning to pull myself out of my depression and beginning to deal with what is at the root of my angst.  Is it fear of failure, or fear of success?  One isn't sure...but I do feel like the fact I have the desire to write...even something as inane as this means I'm getting it together.

Idjiot!

I usually say that it's the things that you don't do that you regret.  But I think I need to amend that.

I am a "grown assed woman" as one of my friends says many times a week.

And I sent a guy a mix CD.

I think I'll go beat my head against a wall for awhile.

All I can do is try to move on to something more edifying and be happy he lives 8 hours away and I won't see him again.  Most likely.

I will never speak of this again...

Crap

I've been talking with someone on-line on a dating site since April.  Lately it seems like he was getting closer to asking to meet me.

And tonight he basically did.

And he told me he could tell I was very intelligent and interesting.

All of this is good.  So...most likely we will meet soon.  Which basically makes me feel like throwing up.

Because I am SUCH the optimist.

More to come...

Beyond Belief

I am bored beyond comprehension. I had a moment with a hot young guy...but now that's all over and I just am bored with everything.  

Work is sort of eh for me and I just can't be passionately interested in anything. 

How do you reconnect with your life?

I bought this print that says CARPE DIEM that I want to hang in my bedroom so that every morning I'll be reminded to "bring it" as it were to my everyday life.

Although some of us are having a hard time with our search for a soulmate...my friend T is getting married next year.  I'm so happy for her...but life around me is changing.  Although life is all about change...sometimes change scares the hell out of me.

I have always wanted so much for my life...I just have problems with the middles of things.  Relationships start out good and I just want to go to 6 or 7 months into the relationship or to an engagement and not all the other stuff.

I think that is why often when a book gets dull I like to skip to the end to see what happens...and if I like it I'll go back and read the rest.  As long as I know it all works out...I can handle all the rough parts.  It's the "not knowing" that drives me crazy.

And I've been in my job for about 5 years.  This is when my boredom will set in and I think...I need to do something else.  Which is why my career has been higgledy piggledy.  I haven't found my passion...or more correctly I haven't knuckled down and done the work to be good at writing.  I tend to focus on the hard parts and not the joy you get from a story well told.

I suppose that laziness is something that grows on a person, like moss, and it is difficult to throw off.  However 45 is weighing on me...and I have to throw off my shackles of boredom and connect with something.

It may not be a tall, thin man with a big nose as I've dreamt of...but I need to do something before 5 more years goes by. 

The stage is set

So...I met someone over the weekend.

And...I felt like I was 18 again.  He kissed me on the most uncomfortable sofa in the world and I felt full of energy and passion and pure happiness.

Naturally...this is not a perfect scenario.

#1...he is the ex-boyfriend of a friend.

#2...we were in her apartment...which she is leaving...and he was visiting to help her pack some "manly" items up.

#3...he lives in another state

#4...he may be 10 years younger than me

#5...we had been drinking...although we weren't shit-faced

#6...we were making out while watching INHERIT THE WIND and listening to BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC

So...we exchanged numbers and email addresses...and we'll see what happens.

If I could do whatever I wanted...I would take the week off and drive to see him and spend every day possible in bed with this guy...or cooking dinner...or watching movies...or whatever.  

While kissing him I felt 18 again.  I felt tingles up my insides.  When I got home...I couldn't sleep.  I don't feel like eating.  I just think...will he call?  Does he like me or was he drunk?  I'm all verklempt.

It just goes to show...that no matter how old you are...somewhere inside of you is an 18 year old that can pop up when you least expect it.

I think if we had this in my office...we'd use a normal size boot