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Continuing On

A girl at work...very young...was talking the other day about writing a memoir.  She's been driving me crazy for a good while.  She has potential, but she'd rather complain and sort of slide by.  It drives me right up the wall.  And now she's talking about writing a memoir.  Which she could do, because she tells lies like she breathes...a memoir would be easy to write for her.

I recall when Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote the Prozac Diaries...she got all this flack and people accused her of lying.

I felt so jealous of her.  For being young, having potential and being thin.

I am at 26 pounds down.  It's difficult and I am grumpy.  I'm also grumpy for not doing a load of things...like writing.  If I had written regularly from my twenties on and after I got out of grad school I might have published by now.  Fear of rejection does a lot to a person...it stops you from jumping out of airplanes.  But the truth is...that being rejected helps you grow and learn.  Every successful person says so in their memoirs.

Maybe the annoying girl in my office will write a memoir or have a blog and being known far and wide.  I'm not sure it would make her happy.

Diet Week 2

Dieting is driving me nutty.  I have not cheated...but today someone left breakfast items (biscuits) in the kitchen and I wanted to smash them.  Now July 4th is coming and I've been invited to two parties.  I'm not drinking and what I can eat is limited on this protein protocol I'm doing.  

What's keeping me going is the fact that I am losing.  And honestly, nothing else has been working.  I know this is a risky way to go.  Cutting out foods and then moving them back into your diet is not easy.  Vigilance will be necessary...but going into your late 40's makes weight loss a huge challenge.  I felt I had to do something DRASTIC.

And so here I am...cutting out carbs and sugars and fighting every moment to keep it going.

My So Called Boring Life

Well...my nodule is fine.  According to my surgeon, Dr. T...that nodule is not going to become cancerous.  Unlike polyps in your colon that can start out benign and become cancerous...if you have a benign nodule that's it.  It can become larger but it won't change into cancer.

So that's cool.

And...I have become an official member of suburbia...I threw a jewelry party at my place this wkend.  I did it because a girl I used to workout with does these parties part time and it was a way to get together with her and Sam...another girl I worked out with.  It was fun...I had about 8 people in the apartment hanging out.  But I think it'll be the only "shopping party" I ever throw.  I like having parties...but I don't really care about asking people to come over and spend money.  Kind of weird really.

This year since I'll have a mortgage I've done a lot of donating to different things.  The State Troopers, the fire department, WAMU (my public radio station) and Goodwill.  Since I have to itemize...I figure I should donate my heart out.

This week I am going to try and get some balance back into my life.  I'm going to try and go to my Pilates class on Monday...not go bananas at work...we'll see how long this lasts...

I'm just fed up with me

I'm not sure if being pissed off at yourself is normal.

But since when have I been normal?

Not often.

If I can get these two projects at work out the door on the 16th...I'm taking that week OFF.  To do...nothing in particular.  Go home.  Finish unpacking my books.  Go to the pool.  Enjoy my new home.

But why art thou fed up with you?

Because I am a whiner and I'm a pain.

Some of my friends have been telling me that my level of negativity has been high.  It's true.  Work is crappy.  I gained back about 10 pounds.  I realize I have to let go of so many things I have had stuck under my skin for YEARS and it's hard.  Today I skipped the gym...left work at 5:00 PM and went to Wegmans.

Wegmans is like my Disney World.

I bought hair color.  I bought an iTunes card. I got organic milk.  I was talking to myself as I drove.  A friend of mine that drives me crazy is off doing...whatever, whatever and I'm thinking...when they get back...where will we stand?  Can I just cut them off?  I kept running over what I'd say when they called.  And then I thought about another friend who is on my nerves.  I have no clue why we're friends.  All we ever talk about is work.  They don't make me laugh.

And then...somewhere between going INTO Wegman's and LEAVING Wegman's I said...you know...I have had it.

I DON'T care if the VP of my company likes me or won't talk to me because I'm not hot.

I DON'T care if eharmony kicks me out because I'm indecisive.

I DON'T care if I have cute hair.

I DON'T care if guys don't want to take me out.

If you don't like me....to hell with you.  I'm SICK of being bummed out about stuff that's not all that important. 

I paid off my student loans.  I go to the gym at LEAST 3 days a week most weeks.  I bought a condo.  My car is paid off.  My family loves me.  My friends love me as I am...even when I'm a pain in the ass.

So I'm not hot.  So the man I have pined for isn't in love with me and real life is NOT like WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (in other words...he is NEVER going to tell me that he wants us to be together.)  My cholesterol is 167.  My triglycerides are 51.  My HDL is 55.  My CDL is 102.  I'm healthy.  I've got it good and you know what...when I'm on my death bed...I am not going to worry about the VP not thinking I'm hot enough to chat up.

Plus he is sporting a DA and he bought an 08 BMW but didn't get the M class.

That's just sad.

And...Kimi Raikkonen won the French Grand Prix. Lewis Hamilton may be good driver...but Kimi is still in there swinging...and I don't care if Lewis is driving on his home turf; Ferrari is coming out swinging.

I'm going to be positive...get back to the gym...and I'm going to stop working 44 to 50 hours a week and de-stress. 

Belated Birthday Post

   

So...for my birthday my friends threw me a surprise party.  I had 2 cakes (an earthquake cake & lemon bundt cake) and bananna pudding...people pitched in and got me a 100$ gift card to Lowes.

My friends Rob & Sandy took me to their daughter's music concert and to Appleby's for dinner.   So it was a good birthday despite these things are crowding my mind these days...such as:

My job is hell and I want to have a different one.

I am closing on my condo May 25th.

I need to get my car inspected.

I feel fat and I haven't been going to the gym.

I haven't finished packing.

I don't have any vacation plans.

I have to drive to New Jersey to pick up my queen size sleigh bed in my Dad's truck...which I'll have to pick up from home...so it's a logistical thing to work out.  I'm really excited about the bed, by the way.  It's handmade from Italy.  $750.

You know it's bad when I miss Pilates and stop blogging

I haven’t gone to the gym in a week.  So not me.  Well…it’s OLD me…not NEW, IMPROVED me.  Or semi-improved me.

I’ve been reading about Barbara’s stresses at her work and although mine are not quite at that level…I feel her pain.

My dad always says…be careful what you wish for.  I’m not sure I WISHED for my boss DSJ to quit…but she did and now I have a new boss.  Let me say that when the director that appoints your new boss says …“well you’ll have to train him”…you are in for stress.  He hasn’t done this before…and what he has done is with a customer that is vastly different from my customer…and we have no processes in place to do things and so…it’s a crap shoot and presently, yours truly is covered in poo.

My division is responding to a competition for new work and this effort is completely crazy.  I’m doing stuff that I’ve never done before so I’m not sure what is the RIGHT way to do things.  Not feeling confident of my knowledge base makes me crazy. That would be stressful enough but when you throw in a pricing analyst who everyone is terrified of, it increases my stress level.  To give you a visual…he looks like “most likely to pull out an AK47 and kill everyone in the office”.  And he thinks I am an idiot and has thrown me under the bus in meetings with upper management telling them that I am refusing to do x, y or z. 

A friend of mine said…I’ve never seen you refuse to do ANYTHING you were ever tasked with.  Half the time you do stuff for people that you HATE doing but you’ll do it just to be nice.

That is so true. 

All of this coincides with me reaching a new milestone in my therapy.  I am trying to deal with this huge Pandora’s box of things I have been avoiding since for…EVER…which has stressed me at the outset.  Let’s see…I’m stressed at work…I’m stressed in my personal life…it’s no wonder I want to be in the fetal position 24-7.

Once this is over…I will have learned a whole lot about my capabilities and I will be a better person.  It’s just that being in the middle of this is killing me.  I caught an image of myself in the mirror last night…in my pj’s and thought…you look huge and awful and you should just give up and eat a chocolate cake.  I didn’t do that…but I did have a crispy chicken sandwich at Red Robin for lunch.

In the middle of my floor are huge piles of CRAP that I want to sell.  Children’s books.  Notecards.  CD’s.  Yoga books.  VHS tapes (Disney!).  Is it worth it to put that up on CraigsList?  I bought some stuff (okay an 80 gb ipod…ignoring the fact my Dell notebook is only 30 gb…what now huh?  What you going to do now smart girl?) and they put in a coupon that says…trade in your old electronics for a

Circuit

City

gift card.  I could do that and then maybe buy something new for my house once I’m in.  I just don’t know.

I am truly in flux.  Bloated, tired, stressed, with a house full of crap and two cats that are driving me nutty.

What's Going On

I haven't been writing here because I just haven't been in the mood.

Two weeks ago, a friend passed away suddenly.  She was talking on the phone with her sister, she laughed and the phone cut off.  She was gone.  Her memorial service was brutal.   People came from New York, Florida, Kansas City.  I only had a tiny tissue to try and stem my tears.  Hearing Amazing Grace almost killed me. I had to keep repeating the date over and over in my head like a mantra to keep it together. Afterwards there was reception held in her honor at the Congressional Country Club.  People from a holiday party kept coming into our room because we had an open bar. 

I've been working out 5 days a week.  I have a Pilates session once a week, as well as an ab class once a week for an hour.

I've been Christmas shopping.

I went to the Baltimore Christmas parade and finally experienced the "Miracle on 34th Street" in Baltimore.  Both were awesome.

My friends R & S had to put their cat Spike down.

I've started looking for a condo or townhouse.  This is causing me to freak out as I realize what I'm actually doing.

I'm beginning to back away from a relationship that for a very long time has been such a large part of my life that I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.

I'm growing up.

That'll tire you out every time.

The Middle

I have trouble with "middles".  In any relationship, I am always trying to rush, rush through the begininng to get to what happens next.  And for me with relationships...what happens next is the end.  I do not do well with the middles of things.

I am working to become at peace with the middle.  I mean, life is all middle. 

Sometimes I do well with this...other times...I'm a mess.

This week I spent about 60 hours at work.  I'm trying to be perfect there and nothing I do is ever good enough.  If anything goes wrong...at work...at home...my first thought is that I screwed something up.  And work has been crazy and after a week like this...I just want to roll up into ball.

I don't know what is coming next. I am smack in the middle.  And nothing I can think of is going to get me ready for what comes next.  And I have no clue what that is.

In order to deal with this...for once and for all...I am back in thearpy.  I sit and talk about myself and how I feel and how other people make me feel.  But as for what I want...I have no clue.  I can think of material stuff I might want.  A house...with bookshelves and books and interesting things.  But as for what I want deep down inside, I'm not sure. 

I know there is something that I'm meant to do in this world.  But I can't figure it out.  What is the music of my soul.

It's a head scratcher.  But I'm ready to plumb the depths and worry about myself instead of what other people think of me or want from me.

No Direction

Tonight as I tooled down the Loudoun County Parkway I was somewhat wistful.  It was a beautiful night and the temperature is perfect.  I thought...I'll get home and sit on my balcony and drink a beer.

I swear I am not the most depressed, introspective person on earth.  I can be quite a card...and most people laugh hysterically in my presence.

I have been very sad lately.  September is not a good month for me.  I lived in Brooklyn on September 11th 2001.  There is no story from me that matches the drama and angst of most survivors stories.  I didn't even live in Manhattan.  I lived near Coney Island.  But I was there, and it was a very difficult day.  I walked from Brooklyn Heights, where I worked, to Park Slope where my best friend lived.  We called each other and met each other along the way.  I watched CNN with Stacy.  We finally stopped watching because it was making us sick.  We tried to give blood but...no one needed our blood.  I went back to my apartment around 7 PM that night.  That's when the subway was back up.  I felt riding the train made some sort of statement.  I wasn't scared.  Work was closed the next day.

See...what an innocuous story.  And yet...in September I feel a sadness in my bones.  Not just for me but for everyone.  And this year, since my grandmother passed away in May...the sadness goes deeper.  If you add in the end of a love affair, perhaps a love affair more in my heart than in anyone else's, well I'm sadder than usual for September.

In my 20's...I threw myself at a lot of men in hopes I might stick as it were.  I never did.  I hit rock bottom with one guy...I realized that I was with him for all the wrong reasons.  One day I thought...I would rather be alone than be here.  So I left.  And since then...I have been alone.  And I haven't really tried to not be alone since then.

I have friends that are in the midst of mad dating.  They look on match, wink at people, talk to people on the phone, go to bars and look across the table at a stranger and try to judge.  Is this person the one?  Do you make that judgment right then?  Or is it a month down the road?  When do you know?

And I'm still not there.  I try match...I send winks, e-mails.  I try chemistry.  I show interest and then nothing.  I send out feelers to a few people that show interest in me and nothing.  And all I can think of is something a friend said to me once...that there was something about me that just said don't even try it.  I wonder if that is still true.

I certainly can't tell.  I do know that I'm scared.  I do know that I want to have someone in my life.  Everyone (or maybe it's just women) has a feeling about finding a "soulmate".  And here's the thing about life...you can't tell what events are going to lead to the denouement. 

I really admire Reya because no matter what life throws at her, she is always so positive about it.  She sees the positives in her life and seems so connected to the spiritual part of the world and I admire that so much.  I need to connect in to her positive energy.  Every day I look at her or Barbara's blog I get a second wind. 

Being 40something is not easy for me.  When I met Barbara the first time, she was very open about how being 50something is a growing experience. I look at the both of them and I feel more positive about where I'm going as a person.  Your twenties and thirties don't have to be the best part of your life.

Everyday I am trying the best I can to put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  This September...it's just harder than I'd like it to be.

New Resolution

I am done with going to blogger happy hours.

I blog for myself.  Same reason I am attempting to write a novel or take photos or try to paint.  I get myself all verklempt when I try to do something to be like cool or something.

I am by nature an observer of people.  I can be very friendly and funny and full of myself once I get to know people.  But I stink at going somewhere by myself and introducing myself to people who have no clue who I am, don't read my blog and if they did read my blog would most likely find me boring and/or old.

When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I was working out in Tysons Corner...doing secret math...and I had a big group of friends that I went to happy hour with most Fridays.  I planned all sorts of events for us.  We did happy hour.  We had potlucks where we would pick a theme...Thai food or something and we'd all bring a dish.  We'd throw parties...my friend Mark used to live at 1717 Q and that house...was the best party house ever.  I tip my hat to that house whenever I pass it.  We'd play softball...lose horribly...and then go out to eat and get a beer.  We all went to our holiday party and I would smoke a cigar with the guys who owned our company and we'd behave badly.  I threw myself at several guys I worked with...we would break up...sometimes very publicly...I sent a very personal e-mail out to the entire company that was intended for the guy breaking up with me...boy that sucked...and then go back to being friends. 

That was my twenties.  And they were good and fun and I've done that.  I can't tag myself on to other people's twenties and early thirties and get my mojo back.

Nope.  It isn't going to happen.

So...I'm letting the happy hours go.  And I'm going to go forward with my social self in some different way that doesn't make me feel so loser like.  I haven't figured out what that IS yet...but I'll get there.