I have been thinking about blog entries for a long time. It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything. I've wanted to write but each time I sit down to do it...I simply couldn't pull anything together.
What's the use of writing down how I feel? Millions of people have had similar angtsy feelings before. What original thought do I have to add to the chorus of voices out there?
The thing about being a perfectionist is that you are often unable to do anything because the thought of not writing the Great American Novel straight out of the box just kills you. You decide whatever you might have to say is crap...so why bother?
I have always ping ponged back and forth between feelings of "I'll do what I want and who cares" and "well...what if they don't like me or think I'm stupid or think I'm a loser".
I signed up for Master's swimming classes in my community. I figured 3 days of swimming would help me get back into fitness. I went to 2 classes and haven't been back. I was out of town 2 days...and then I was exhausted...and now I just can't do it. I am the worst swimmer in the class as it is...now I'm even further behind. I feel like a loser but even though I shouldn't care a whit...I do. And I've wasted my money by not going.
Every day I think...I'll get up and walk or bike or do yoga. And I end up sleeping until 7:30 and get to work at 9:00...which is not when I want to be a work.
I am f-ing up everything I think to myself. I can't do anything right.
You can see how things snowball in my head and how it might be difficult to launch into action. With my blogs I read other blogs out there and think...oh...if I could write like that person...well...that would be fabulous. People would read my blog...maybe I could get my novel together and my whole life would change!
Well...I'm no closer to solving my internal angst and whatnot...but I am beginning to pull myself out of my depression and beginning to deal with what is at the root of my angst. Is it fear of failure, or fear of success? One isn't sure...but I do feel like the fact I have the desire to write...even something as inane as this means I'm getting it together.
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