Spur of the Moment

I had a hell of a week.  I had a hell of a weekend.

This week...I have to consult with my surgeon about my mammogram.  I have dense breasts.  Oh yay for me.  Every time they do my mammogram...they have to use maximum compression.  And they have to do a sonnagram to look at a nodule on my left breast.  I had a needle biopsy in 2005 and it was fine. 

Now...it's gotten a little bigger and it's looking different to the doctor at WRA.  So...I'm going to talk to Dr. T on Wednesday.  I'm sure it's fine.  At the most, Dr. T may say...let's take it out.  Which will be a pain...but better than having cancer for sure.

I wanted to go home this weekend and see my family...relax.

But then...I got pulled into working a proposal that needs to be re-priced and re-submitted this coming Friday.  I did NOT want to work this proposal.  It's a train wreck and I've worked several train wrecks this summer.  But...when a co-workers grandfather passed away and she had to go to SC for the funeral...the big guys said...we need someone senior working this.  And by God...all of a sudden...I am senior.

Trust me.  I'm going to remember this when we sit down to talk about my yearly increase.  I'm super team player.  Stepped WAY up to the plate.

I digress.

I had to come in to work on Saturday.  I really didn't feel it was necessary.  I felt like my bosses security blanket.  I came in.  Made calls.  Wrote some verbiage that wasn't needed.  Helped get lunch for the team.  And then left.

I had a plan.  The only thing saving my weekend was a trip to Charlottesville to see the Heartless Bastards open for Wilco.

Yep.  Tickets were not sold out.

I asked "Not My Boyfriend" aka NMB if he wanted to go...thinking he would say something about being tired or having to work on the car.  But...he said...if you get the tickets...I'll drive the BMW-er and test out the new front brakes I put on her today.

And so, NMB and I drove into my past...we drove to Charlottesville...to the town where I fell in love for the first time of my life.

Standing there with NMB listening to Jeff Tweedy sing about wanting to break someone's heart I closed my eyes and thought back to another show I saw in Charlottesville. 

The Replacements at Traxx in 1987.  It was packed.  I was at the front of the stage with the love of my life, looking up at Paul Westerberg, with him behind me.  Naturally the song I remember is UNSATISFIED.  At that moment we were in love big time.  It didn't last.  The love of my life became unsatisfied...he wanted something/someone that I wasn't.  He loved that song.  We would listen to it and he would say stuff like...hear the pain, the angst in his voice...it's just amazing.

We left a little early because it was so packed and we went back to the apartment and had sex. 

I thought about that because me and NMB were surrounded by college kids who were full of piss and vinegar and hormones and I thought...they are going back to their dorm and have sex...and I'm going to get in the car with NMB and drive back to his place and sleep in his guest room.  No passion.  No sex.  No hormones coursing through me.  And it made me sad that I haven't felt that.

When I went to Nags Head the other weekend...I was with 4 friends that are NMB's friends more than mine.  They've known him longer than I have and I've thought for ages that they must get him...understand his quirks.  But it became apparent...that they are as confused by him as I am.  K said at one point...everything changes...except for NMB, he never changes.

And so he has not.

But what about me?  Am I the same?  Am I stuck in the same position?

I spent the night in NMB's guest room.  Took a shower in the guest bathroom with the gift from his real estate agent still sitting in it's box.  I'm the only one who pulls out the body scrub and stuff and uses it when I take a shower.  The plastic that is opened...was opened by me.  He NEVER takes everything out of the basket.

I went downstairs and we had coffee and he made pancakes.  At 11:30, we watched the pre-show for the last race of the Formula One season.  My favorite driver won.   We had lunch.  And then we took a long drive because it was pretty out.  And we took a long walk along the river in Harpers Ferry.

I walked WAY up this path to the Jefferson Rock...which was a big deal for me.  I haven't taken a walk up high in a long time because I am terrified of heights.  I was so proud of myself...

And then I got a message from my boss about this damn proposal.  I am going to have to be set on freaking fire tomorrow at work.  NMB offered me the opportunity to get drunk as hell and go to work with a hangover and tell my boss to pound sand.

Instead I went home and started to vacuum...between my stress level from work and my sadness about this "I seem to be uncapable of dating anyone except someone who isn't interested in me romantically" situation I have going on in my life...I may end up working out in order to relieve my stress level. 

Which is a big change from me eating mashed potatoes. 

So I guess something has changed.

Comments

[DRFS]

I hate being the one person at work who never GETS to say NO! Doesn't that just suck! And I'm jealous of you Ms. Coffey...Eartha Kitt. She is just so slick. Did you ever see James Brown? I wish I'd been able to see him in concert...

[Beth]

So jealous. I never saw The Replacements.

But I'm your corporate doppelganger; I'm the boss' security blanket, too. Dammit.