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Surviving my vacation

Most people return from vacation with gifts and baubles and great memories.  I got strep throat.

I am so Charlie Brownish in this regard.

I don't know how to describe my trip.  For a person who sees herself as very open and ready to accept new cultures...boy was I knocked off my ass by European culture. I thought I was ready for this trip...but I really wasn't.

You know how they say...wherever you go..there you are?  Truer words have never been spoken.

I've been in therapy for awhile and I have so many issues with my looks and my body and no matter where I go...there they are.

In Monaco...these issues were number one with a bullet and I have to admit to having a small breakdown.  I was in the club...and Kate Hudson happened to walk in.

Living in NYC I've seen famous people all the time...Ms. Hudson included.  It doesn't usually bother me.  However, the reactions of the people I was with...gawking, etc...really got to me.  Then I went into the bathroom and looked at myself and I felt I looked like a baseball.  And it just made me very sad.

So...I went back to my friend's apartment to cry, call my girlfriends in the U.S., take a shower and pull myself together.

 

I was alone a lot of my trip...or with 4 guys.  European guys.  Even my friend from college is now European in my mind.  He hasn't lived in the States since the 90's...and he is totally acclimated.  European guys are different.  And they are cleaner and better pulled together than me.  I felt like I didn't make sense to them...and a lot of the time they didn't make sense to me.  I felt like I was on a wobble board...always trying to get my balance.

I feel awful about all of this.  I feel awful because my friend was nothing but kind to me.  His friends really tried to connect with me...and I did too but I just couldn't relax and be myself.

This was a once in a lifetime trip and although I had an amazing time and saw amazing things...I'm still beating myself for not being...more relaxed...more fun...better looking with better clothes.  As if I could compete with the beautiful people inhabiting Monaco during Grand Prix.  All you can ever do is be yourself...and yet that still doesn't feel enough for me.

I should have visited Villa Daiquiri....

Bon Soir Bitches

No...this is NOT a postcard I bought on my trip.  It's a picture I took from my friend's balcony in Monaco.

So...how was my trip?  It was like a roller coaster ride...there were highs, lows, and looking back on it...I loved it.

But I am so glad to be home...even though I have a cold and work is smacking me around.

It's D Day!

My stomach is all in knots right now.  It's just a matter of hours before I leave.  I am going to stop by the grocery store to buy another bag of cat food...but the litter boxes are clean and filled...the cats have food and I've watered all the plants.  I "tanned" for 8 minutes today...even though it may rain the entire time I'm in Monaco...according to weather.com.

But that will make the race all the better.  Monaco is a challenging course because it is a road course and there is a lack of straight aways.  Winning the pole is key to winning the race.  At any rate...I'll be down at the harbor watching the race with my friend.

I'm so excited and so nervous to be traveling so far away.  I keep telling myself...I survived NYC...I think I can handle this.  Or even if I can't...here I go.

See you guys on the 28th.  I'm sure it'll be a hoot.

Two Days Til Monaco

Today I have a yoga class this evening...which is my last chore for the day.  I got a manicure/pedicure at 1:00 PM...then I went and got a universal converter/adapter.  I went to the tanning salon...yes...the tanning salon...to get my melanin working.  I also went to buy quart zip loc bags to put my liquids in so I can carry on my luggage. Those TSA guys are very specific.

I have gone to Rick Steve's website a million times for advice on the best way to travel.  I bought one of his backpacks for my trip and I read his blog regularly.  I haven't bought a guidebook...which I know he sort of says is an error.  He says the best trips are those that are well planned and I am sort of going on the fly. 

I have always loved cars.  I've always wanted to go to see an iconic race...and I don't see that any race has more history associated with it than the Grand Prix in Monte Carlo.  Lucky for me...my friend Karl is living there now and he invited me to come visit.

I have no clue if he ever expected me to take him up on it...but here I go.  And although I am prepared in many ways...I don't have a list of places to go and must sees for this trip.  A big part of me is like...I'm going to this beautiful city...I'm going to relax and let things happen.

I bought the little vintage race car object d'art to bring to Karl as a little gift.  I thought it fit the "theme" of the wkend...but I want to do something more.  Karl told me he got tickets for the race at the harbor...and I'm thinking about burning a CD for him also.  I don't know what else to do to thank him.

I have a lot of self esteem issues...I mean...who doesn't?  But part of me is nervous to see Karl after so many years and being so much heavier than I was when he was in DC.  I've gone from a size 12 to a size 18 and I'm bummed about this.  But I can't lose weight overnight...it takes work to lose weight.  I've talked about going to a holistic doctor...and after many tests...we've discovered that I have no health issues.  No thyroid issues.  Which my nutritionist is so happy about.  However the question remains...then why am I overweight?

I need to devote more to working out every day.  My work days have been so stressful that I haven't made it to the gym as much as I'd like.  So...even though I am dressing better and doing more "maintenance" to myself...manicures/pedicures, eyebrow waxes, a bikini wax, eating better, I still don't feel like I look great.

And at the Dexateens/Drive By Truckers show...two drunk guys said something rude to me...and hurt my feelings and I'm still feeling bad about it.  I need to learn how to take that and realize that two drunk guys who don't know me can't look at me...say something rude...and destroy me. 

I am more than my body...I'm a person.  For my birthday...people at work threw me a surprise party and gave me a 50 dollar gift card.  Other people gave me special gifts that I wasn't expecting (a Henry Rollins DVD, a Ferrari hat, some stress relief Bath and Bodyworks stuff).  I have friends who have been telling me how good I'm looking.  So I have to let those drunk guys go and be positive about myself.

I really hope that in Europe that I'll just relax and have fun and let some of this emotional stuff go.

Countdown to Monaco

There is so much going on in my head about my trip...I'm just all over the place. 

I SHOULD start packing my bag for my trip.  It's getting close now. I have ideas in my head but I should lay everything out and put it in the backpack to see how heavy it's going to be.

I got a new camera for my trip.  I got a good deal at Ritz...for 2 lenses.  It was expensive but so far I really like the pictures I've taken with it.  Yesterday was prom for a friend's daughter and I went over and took photos of Missy and her date...and their friends.

Parents kept saying stuff like...it looks like a wedding and things like that.  I thought...are you CRAZY?  Why mention something so huge and serious when kids are just getting used to going to a dance and stuff.  If any of these kids were getting married at 16...no one would be happy.

I got 100 euros to start my trip with.  I've also bought 2 dresses and 1 pair of black sandals to wear.  For my birthday...my friends at work got me two 25 dollar AMEX gift cards.  My friend D gave me a Ferrari hat for my trip.

I got a pair of Ferrari Pumas...and returned them.  I returned two other pairs of shoes...and settled on a pair of black loafers and black sandals.  I have two sleeveless dresses for my trip.  I'm going to try them on for a friend to see what she thinks b/c I'm not sure.  I'm having a self esteem crash these days...LOL...I feel very wide.

9 days til I leave...NINE...Zoinks!

Crazy

So at 3 AM I was woken up by cats who wanted to be petted...when I finally fell back to sleep I had a CRAZY dream...

I dreamt about going to see Micheal Stipe somewhere in Atlanta like at a book signing...and we hung out...we walked back to his house...which was very Frank Lloyd Wright.  For some reason, I recall being worried that I should not take any photographs b/c that would invade his privacy.

We walked to his house b/c in my dream...he didn't drive b/c of global warming. It was raining but I wouldn't put up my umbrella b/c I thought that wasn't cool.  And it was dark...purple dark like in the movies.

In front of his house he had this artwork that looked like a crappy abandoned boat...but when you got close it was this intricate piece of art.  And the door to his room/studio was a pull down garage door that had frosted glass in it.  And he had an amazing view of Atlanta...although it looked more like California.  And there was kudzu in the back yard growing.

It was a very odd dream.  The subconscious is a weird place sometimes.

Oh...and also...in my dream I actually thought...I should tell him I read Beth Coffey's blog...that'll show him I'm cool...

It's amazing the people that cameo in my dreams...

Death is kinda final, I'm collecting vinyl, I'm going DJ at the end of the world

I know...you thought this post was about Accelerate.  I apologize...it's just my favorite line on the album so far.  I really love the album...but this post is my usual rambling.  Give it a shot see what you think.  I AM going to see REM at Meriwether Post Pavilion.  Hugely excited about that.

I've been running around crazy of late.  I did a 21 day detox...and lost 8 pounds.  I've only been off the detox for two days.

So...I cook more and am trying new foods.  Kale is one.  I cooked some kale today with ghee...I'm drinking Kombucha.

I'm starting to be in a tizzy about clothes and shoes for Monaco.  Do I look good enough...am I ready for all this?  So look at these shoes:

Earth Shoes...super comfy BUT they fart when I walk on one side...

Sandals...I think they are sexy but my feet seem highly naked in them...

What do you think?  More soon I'm off to get a manicure and pedicure on the spur of the moment...

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So...I got a manicure, pedicure and eyebrow, chin & lip wax (should I even admit that?)and hung out with my friend Sam.  I also went to the nursery...because I've wanted a window box for ages. 

And...I got a tomato plant...I'm going to ask my mom if planting some herbs around the tomato plant would be cool.  And I'll need some fertilizer.

All boring Saturday stuff.  Sam said I should call a friend and go out instead of what I was planning to do.  Which was finish watching THE BREAK UP, pay some bills, vacuum, drink a beer and watch my current favorite cartoon Phineas and Ferb.  (they have their own entry on wikipedia...I take that to mean it's super cool)

It was good to see my friend Sam and do something for myself (earlier in the day I got a massage and went to my trainer).  I've been making a long list in my head of what I need to do and who I need to be when I go on my trip.  I'm thinking about the clothes I want to wear, my shoes...but the crux of the matter is...my trip to Monaco is truly uncharted territory for me.  And although I like uncharted territory in some ways...uncharted territory freaks me out.

So what I do is obsess over clothes and shoes and all my plans for the summer are a way of controlling things.   And what are my plans?

Home to see my family: Friday, April 18 thru Sunday, April 20

Son Volt: Friday, April 25

Black Keys: Tuesday, May 13

Trip to Monaco: Tuesday, May 20 - Tuesday, May 27

REM: Wednesday, June 11

Lewes with Lori and Bill: Thursday, June 12 thru Sunday, June 15

Somewhere in there I'd like to plan a trip up to NYC for a week to see friends and hang out.  I would love to go in August when New York is hot and sweaty and everyone else is at the beach.  And I do owe my friend Julia a visit to Kansas City.

Is the anticipation of a trip and the planning what you enjoy most?  I hope that while I'm in Europe I can sort of step out of myself and really relax.

Hanging

I am telling myself that the only reason I'm watching THE HILLS is because they are in Paris.

I really want to know how they fire them at Teen Vogue. 

Aren't I terrible?

I am doing a 21 Day Cleanse.  I'm on Day 7 and I've lost 6.5 lbs so far.  Part of the reason I'm doing this is because I haven't been losing weight and I want to lose some poundage before I get to Monaco to see my friend from college, Karl.  I'm getting excited about my trip...and nervous.

My connecting flight in Barcelona has a tight turn around.  I land at 13:10 and my flight leaves 55 minutes later.  And I have to get thru customs.  I'm totally nerve wracked.  Plus I've heard bad stuff about flying Iberia.  Anyone know anything about flying Iberia?  Does it totally suck?

Watching TV sucks when you are on a cleanse and you can only have 16 veggies, steamed and shakes and lots of pills.  There are ads for cinnamon buns and hamburgers...it's rough.

Okay Paris is beautiful...but the guys the girls met tonight were hysterical.  They looked like parodies of rock n roll guys.

But then the Spencer/Heidi storyline is pretty rough.  Heidi staring at Spencer the jerk is hysterical. And people don't think this is scripted.  Oy vay...

And yet I'm watching it.  Lauren just put on her ball gown but she shortened it to wear it to a club.  I am betting it gets ruined.  And I bet the ruination of the dress is part of why she gets tossed by Teen Vogue.

Watching them talk and what not...I remember why dating/clubbing is so hard and stressful to me...the questions are very funny.  So do you surf...blah, blah, blah...and everyone is so shallow.  I'm not good at shallow...

Oh my god..the guy kissing Lauren had the tightest jeans on I've ever seen.  And eyeliner.

Here we are with the ruined dress.  They hung the dress up near their curling iron and it burnt the dress.  OH MY GOD!  But I do think they are going to get another dress from the place.  And they think their bosses won't find out...LOL...and the guy gives her a replacement dress and says...it's very precious...and she says I'll take good care of it.  Like you took care of the other dress?!  Oh please nothing but that.

And is it normal for interns to attend this ball and just have fun....where is the work coming in???  Okay...here comes the work part...

Now here is Mathias...and she's going to ruin another dress on the motorcycle...although this is a romantic little jaunt to be riding on a motorcycle with some French dude in very tight pants...LOL...but they don't show them making out.  YOu know they had to make out at some point.  And once again the boy is rocking super tight Levi's.

I am too old to watch The Hills.

But who doesn't love a guy in eyeliner...LOL...

Oh...now they are leaving...so sad...and Spencer is leaving Heidi...

But Paris is beautiful...espically filmed as well as they film The Hills...

Back to the Start

I've been working really hard lately.  In Jan and Feb I had the flu and a cold that would never end.  I didn't go to the gym.  I just worked and went home and collapsed and ate.

I feel like I'm totally back at the start of my food odyssey. 

I know that's not 100% true.  So some of my jeans are tight...and stuff...but I'm not totally back at square one.  But I'm close.  I went to pilates a week or so ago and it was tough.  So...I have to start all over again and I am bumming.

I suppose life is all about starts and stops and working things thru until you get them right.

What's making it hard for me is my therapist is leaving the practice and until she has her license (a year away) I'll have to decide whether to find another therapist or go it alone.  I think I'm having anxiety because of that, which is why I seem to be going fetal.

One of my best friends from college, Lori, was in town visiting and it was so great.  She helped me hang pictures, organize my kitchen, we cooked some great food and laughed like crazy.  We were also able to see Mary and Nora, our other college buddies, which was great. 

Mary and Nora live relatively close...but with their families...I don't get to see them that much.  I do miss my close girlfriends.  My girlfriends from work said...you need to move to Kentucky to be near your girl and meet a KY boy.

But as good as that sounds...no matter where I go...I'm still with me.   I've got to deal it with myself here.

So...next week I have to go back to the beginning.  I'm meeting with my holistic doctor and starting a detox.  Other women at my gym have been doing it...and man...they GLOW and I can see the weight loss.  It's amazing.

And yet I dread it because I know it's going to have lots of rules, take preperation, and take willpower.  None of which are my forte.

But...as Sarah at my gym said...you've been miserable for 3 weeks before, right?

Oh yeah.

So...what's the big deal?  And honestly...even if I don't do the detox...I could be miserable for the rest of March.  I love working with several people at my job.  But my upper management...are difficult to work with.  Very difficult.  And stupid.  I have no respect for them.  And it's SO difficult to go to work knowing I have all this crap to deal with as far as they are concerned.  But I keep going to work because for all the tough things about work...I love my friends and hanging out with these people.

I'm not the only person that has issues with their upper management.  And I'll keep hanging in...because even though I want to scream sometimes...I know I'm learning a lot and making progress professionally.

But sometimes I wonder why I've stepped inside a Dilbert cartoon.

Scary stuff

I drove out to Culpeper today to meet my parents.  I end up thinking a lot when I drive...and I started thinking about love.

February sucks, you know.

All this pressure about valentines is just crap.  I've never had a New Year's Eve or Valentines Day that lived up to the hype.  In high school, my boyfriend gave a pot of chrysanthemums.  That his mom bought at the grocery store.

Close...but no cigar.

When I was living with Matt...he bought me cheap pink champagne one year.

It was near the end and was a good effort but it wasn't it.

And in elementary school...Valentine's Day was a popularity contest...who would get the most Valentine's and who would get the least.  I usually ended up somewhere in the middle of the count.  But it was stressful.

Stress in Elementary School...isn't that crazy...

One year I want to have a valentine that I really connect with...and I just don't know if I'm going to find that.

I made a promise to myself to sort of distance myself from my long time crush...and it's happening...but with that distance comes fear...a fear of being alone forever and never connecting with anyone.  I've had this friendship/torch for this guy for years and putting that down is scary.  Both of us sort of lean on the other because we know we have our fears about relationships in general.  In our hearts though...we know we have each other when things fall apart. 

When I let GO of that...I just feel scared because without that torch...I'm really alone.

So I just don't know what comes next.

Blech.