My dreams have lately been filled with old boyfriends who never came back. Whenever I read about couples that reconnect and marry after long times apart...I think about my high school boyfriend.
When we broke up...totally my fault, by the way, I said..."No one will ever love me like he does."
I'm not sure if I cursed myself with that statement or if it was just the truest thing I ever said.
A few months ago a friend set me up with her ex-boyfriend in hopes we would hit it off and we did...kissing for hours. He reminded me of my high school boyfriend, although he's nothing like him. My friend neglected to mention several little tidbits about him. Such as she got tired of dating him because he was...as she put it...a f*ck-up who never could get his life together.
And thank you for introducing us. I was looking to date a f*ck up.
As for my high school boyfriend that I remember well...I used to want to change him. I didn't like that he always wore tennis shoes. I wanted him to dress preppy. I wanted him to be something he wasn't and he tried. We broke up, got back together and broke up several times. I wish I had handled that relationship differently. In fact, for years I believed that my other relationships that crashed and burned were a result of how awfully I behaved with him.
Karma, as they say, can be a b*tch. And I've felt that karma has kicked my butt as far as relationships go. So...when does the statue of limitations end on karma? I talk to Karma and say...okay...so I've suffered for years with bad relationships and I've had men break my heart ten times more brutally than I broke Mr. X's heart. When do I reap some good Karma for all the good stuff I've done? And why have all the men that stomped all over my heart ended up married, with children, happy as a clam? How come you aren't kicking their asses Karma?
Karma says nothing. I have no idea what the deal is...but in the last 6 months, I met Mr. J who I really liked, but as my friend attested...is f*cked up. And the guy who I started talking to on eharmony...he kept saying he wanted to meet me, but wouldn't set up a time or place to meet me. And...in a bizarre twist...I saw out with another woman the other night near my house (or at least if it wasn't him...that guy looked IDENTICAL to his picture on eharmony!).
Dag Karma! Give me a BREAK....
And now my high school boyfriend is appearing in my dreams...and I've googled him (because I am AN ASS). I'm not sure when my love story is going to start OR if I'm too old for a love story. I know 40 is the new 30 or whatever they say...but at 45...I'm feeling my time is running out.
I don't feel old or overweight until I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Otherwise I feel like I did at 16...except a little bit grumpier. I also find I have very definite feelings about how things should be and I usually can't understand why everyone doesn't understand my references to things. It's as if I am still 25 inside of myself but my outside is 45...which really cramps my dating style.
It's very disconcerting to say the least. I feel adrift and confused and my dreams just make it worse, because in them I am being pursued by my high school boyfriend or Mr. J...who in my dreams isn't gambling...and has the job he wants (which is editing films). In my dreams, Mr. J discovers my thesis and decides one of my stories (I have an MFA in creative writing) is perfect for his first film and together we make an independent film that is very successful. If I dream of Mr. X...he is living on his parents farm and is divorced. He sees me taking photos in the small mountain town where we both once lived and we reconnect. I move back to the farm, start to write and we live happily ever after.
I need a little reality to step in.
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