Surviving my vacation
Most people return from vacation with gifts and baubles and great memories. I got strep throat.
I am so Charlie Brownish in this regard.
I don't know how to describe my trip. For a person who sees herself as very open and ready to accept new cultures...boy was I knocked off my ass by European culture. I thought I was ready for this trip...but I really wasn't.
You know how they say...wherever you go..there you are? Truer words have never been spoken.
I've been in therapy for awhile and I have so many issues with my looks and my body and no matter where I go...there they are.
In Monaco...these issues were number one with a bullet and I have to admit to having a small breakdown. I was in the club...and Kate Hudson happened to walk in.
Living in NYC I've seen famous people all the time...Ms. Hudson included. It doesn't usually bother me. However, the reactions of the people I was with...gawking, etc...really got to me. Then I went into the bathroom and looked at myself and I felt I looked like a baseball. And it just made me very sad.
So...I went back to my friend's apartment to cry, call my girlfriends in the U.S., take a shower and pull myself together.
I was alone a lot of my trip...or with 4 guys. European guys. Even my friend from college is now European in my mind. He hasn't lived in the States since the 90's...and he is totally acclimated. European guys are different. And they are cleaner and better pulled together than me. I felt like I didn't make sense to them...and a lot of the time they didn't make sense to me. I felt like I was on a wobble board...always trying to get my balance.
I feel awful about all of this. I feel awful because my friend was nothing but kind to me. His friends really tried to connect with me...and I did too but I just couldn't relax and be myself.
This was a once in a lifetime trip and although I had an amazing time and saw amazing things...I'm still beating myself for not being...more relaxed...more fun...better looking with better clothes. As if I could compete with the beautiful people inhabiting Monaco during Grand Prix. All you can ever do is be yourself...and yet that still doesn't feel enough for me.
I should have visited Villa Daiquiri....



















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