I watch Mad Men pretty regularly. Actually...I watch a lot of television. More than I should really. And after every episode I spend a lot of time just thinking about the dynamics of the episode and the characters. And Sunday night I thought a lot about marriage...not just because marriages and the problems in a marriage were heavily featured on MM...but just because it was on my mind in general.
Being in your late 30's and 40's and being single...a single woman...I feel like you are judged very differently than single men. True, you may look at some men and think there is a REASON they are single...but you usually feel it's a choice. People don't look at George Clooney and feel like he needs a woman to be happy...but everyone looks at Jen Aniston or Kim Kardashian and they make judgements on them being single (when they were). If you flip it...men aren't judged in the same way.
I feel judged a lot. I worry a lot. And I really do not date a lot. Or at all. When I first lost weight...I went out on a blind date and by date two, it was pretty obvious that the guy wasn't someone I would be compatible with. And since then...no blind dates. And I gained back 10 of the 50 lbs I lost.
Seems like I've lost the thread of my motivation to lose weight and in general...I feel very isolated from people. I just don't connect and in that...there seems to be something missing that makes it easy for me to have a relationship with a man. I don't know why. I used to feel I was way too clingy...I wouldn't argue with my ex-fiance...which was part of why that ended. He was Italian and arguing was foreplay I guess. I just wanted to be perfect in every way and I thought that would ensure he'd be in love with me. Naturally that did not work.
He and I broke up and I just couldn't get myself back together afterwards. In the 90's, I threw myself at lots of different people...I felt like I was trying to see if I would stick. And then I became convinced that this one guy was perfect for me...and I pretzeled myself into someone I thought he'd like. It took me years to realize that he wasn't and I needed to let that go. I haven't talked to Mr. Perfect in about 5 years and periodically I think about calling him. I did enjoy hanging out with him but it always gets complicated and he hides a big part of himself. So...I don't.
I just watch TV and feel that for all my lists and plans...I am not living life. I feel like a ghost...a single woman ghost who can't connect.
Maybe that's why MM resonates with me. I was a little girl in 68 and so now as I watch I see fashions and other items (a standing fan) that I recognize from my childhood. And people are so lonely and trying to find connection. And for women...it's expected that they marry or have someone in there life. And if there isn't anyone...we all feel for the character.
I just feel trapped between doors like one of the main characters Peggy at the end of Sunday's episode. Staring out into space...
Although I used to write regularly...I find that what I do now is write lists. I have millions of little books with lists inside from years and years. Sadly I find I write the same things over and over...such as Grocery lists.
On vacation I have suddenly decided to post a blog. And the site is being hinkey. However...I am back.
What precipitated this? Reading another blog of a former commenter and realizing I knew this person...thought them to be less than compelling...and realizing they had interests and a personality that should have made us friends and not merely acquaintances.
Of course...in college I spent most of my time obsessing over gents with no interest in me and ignoring those who might be interested in me. If they actually existed.
At a reunion a few years back, a guy I dated told me he really had a thing for me back then but that I "blew him off". I remember it the other way. Now time could have changed his perception of the event or I could have totally missed that "thing" he had for me because I am tone deaf to a man having an interest in me. Pick your poison.
My 30's was a series of me throwing myself at various men to see if I might "stick". It never happened, although I am still friends with many of them and their wives. I thought one guy was my soulmate but finally realized that if he wasn't chomping at the bit to be with me, obviously I was mistaken. After he returned from a trip to Europe and was evasive about hanging out and showing off his race photos, I told him to call me when he thought he wanted to hang out. That was 4 years ago. I didn't call him, like I usually would and that ended that.
He always told me one day I'd realize he wasn't that great and would stop calling. He was right. But I still miss him.
I have lost 50 lbs..can wear a size 14 and feel basically cute enough to be date able. But men are looking for younger women and I will be 49 in a few days. 8 days in fact.
I can only hope that maybe I'll figure out how to hear men and understand them. Or that one wants to talk to me. It would be nice to have a partner.
Tonight I sat down and began watching Pearl Jam Twenty. It's weird how something like a documentary can take you back in time and make you remember your youth.
When you are in your twenties...you just can't imagine who you'll be when you're 40. It seems so far away. When you are in your forties, you think...why didn't I do more stupid stuff...take more risks. And then you turn around and look at people in their twenties and you feel a weird sort of anger and understanding that they just don't get about you. It's almost like they are on one continent and you are on another.
I hadn't thought about the 90's in a good while. I had a huge social life and I was just out there in a way I haven't been in so long it almost seems like it didn't ever happen. It was good for me to remember how I used to feel since I work with a lot of twenty somethings and if I can remind myself who I used to be...maybe I can be a better person for them to work with. And maybe I can't work through my weird anger/ambivilance about aging.
My Dad always says...it's better than the alternative. That doesn't make it easy.
I am just 5 lbs away from weighing what I did in Brooklyn when I was doing Weight Watchers and walking like crazy. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I've lost 30 pounds so far.
I'm pretty excited about going to our holiday party at work this year...I can buy something really pretty and feel good in my outfit instead of wearing pants or a blazer and trying to melt into the background.
I also went to a yoga class. When I was in NYC I went to this great studio called OM. I went several days a week and on the wkend with my friend Todd. We laughed at how terrible we were and it was good for our health. When I got to Virginia...I couldn't find a studio that really worked for me. But I do think this studio will suit me a lot better.
It was pretty funny because I forgot how tough yoga can be. The class was a basics class but there were a lot of things I couldn't really do well. And boy was I sore the next few days. It was funny b/c after the class, the teacher gave me another class recommendation...LOL. I really didn't care so much...whatever I couldn't do...I just didn't do. It's going to take some time to get back into the swing of yoga.
Next...I'm going to think about trying to date again.
A girl at work...very young...was talking the other day about writing a memoir. She's been driving me crazy for a good while. She has potential, but she'd rather complain and sort of slide by. It drives me right up the wall. And now she's talking about writing a memoir. Which she could do, because she tells lies like she breathes...a memoir would be easy to write for her.
I recall when Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote the Prozac Diaries...she got all this flack and people accused her of lying.
I felt so jealous of her. For being young, having potential and being thin.
I am at 26 pounds down. It's difficult and I am grumpy. I'm also grumpy for not doing a load of things...like writing. If I had written regularly from my twenties on and after I got out of grad school I might have published by now. Fear of rejection does a lot to a person...it stops you from jumping out of airplanes. But the truth is...that being rejected helps you grow and learn. Every successful person says so in their memoirs.
Maybe the annoying girl in my office will write a memoir or have a blog and being known far and wide. I'm not sure it would make her happy.
Since I've been dieting I seem to spend more time in the grocery store than usual...and since my diets are restricted I notice what people are buying. Tonight what really stood out for me was the absolute junk that people buy their kids. Sugary drinks and processed stuff...and no parent said no to any of them. Whatever they wanted...the parents bought them...even when the kids were bouncing off the walls already.
When I am finally able to eat bread and whatnot...I am going to make every effort to not let myself fall into the habit of eating crap.
When I was a kid..my mom had no issues telling me no to buying something at the grocery store. It's rare I hear a parent tell a kid...no...you don't need that when they are in a store shopping. I'm not a parent...but I think sometimes the word no is a good thing.
I hit my 20 lbs lost mark last week. This week I didn't lose any weight but since I didn't gain I consider that a victory.
I have been having dreams about carbs however. One night I dreamt my mom was making biscuits and a cake and I was laying out all the ingredients. The next night...I had a dream about going to a custom cheesecake shop in a mall. So this week I made pancakes - I used a packet from the program and then today I took the cripsey cereal packet and made it into batter.
The pancakes I made today really filled me up. And it's so nice to have a carb like substance!
I've also made plans to go away for Labor Day so I can relax. I'm going to drive to KY to see friends, so it'll be my first long trip in the new car. Well, I did drive to SC, but this will be my first trip over the big mountain. I expect to enjoy it a lot more than my last trip to KY in the Escort...which I thought was going to give out for a bit.
Well, last week I did very well, I lost 3.5 lbs. So when I lose 16 pounds, I will weigh what I did in Brooklyn when I was doing Weight Watchers. The WW and walking did pretty well for me, but living in Brooklyn/NYC walking was so easy to do. I would take long walks around Manhattan on weekends and do yoga at OM. I really miss that about living in the suburbs.
Sure there are places to walk...but it's not the same as NY...there aren't interesting people to watch or cool stores to walk by. In the winter I would walk from Union Square down to Houston and down Elizabeth street to Cafe Habana for a small coffee. Then I would get on the train to my place near Coney Island. I love Cafe Habana.
Although I love my job here in the WMA...I so miss NYC in many many ways. I miss my walks and the sights and sounds of the city. I just haven't found a walk that I enjoy...I live near the W&OD but walking alone on that during the week seems a little iffy to me. I feel pretty sure that homeless people walk up and down the trail. There are places I've seen off the trail that look like places that have been inhabited by people. Or I could just be paranoid.
At any rate...I'm still losing weight and getting closer to moving into new weight categories that I haven't been in since the 90's. Kind of scary. Exciting...but scary